Tick Tock

I opened my eyes.

Slowly, millimetre by millimetre, until I could see a smudge of blue sky through the dusty haze; a soupy mist which seemed to float towards me and yet linger afar; near, yet distant.

I could hear nothing. Neither did I have the ability (or was it the will?) to move.

I felt as though I was suspended in a silent cerulean pool; womb-like, comforting, other-worldly.

Maybe I was dreaming. Is that a thought you would have whilst asleep?

Could this be heaven... or hell? That would mean that I was dead. Strangely, the possibility did not disturb me: no panic, no regret, no... anything.

I closed my eyes, totally at peace, accepting of whatever this moment meant.

I opened my eyes again, but this time there was nothing. Blackness. Absence.

Now the panic began to stir; to rise like a snake uncoiling in the pit of my stomach.

Now I did want to move - but still I couldn't. I felt leaden, as though buried alive. As though pinned down by an unseen and malevolent force.

I could feel heat, maybe through exertion, maybe through climate, possibly fire - I couldn't tell.

Despite the absence of sight, I squeezed my eyes shut as the snake moved faster, racing towards my throat.

The pain invaded every inch of my being as I vomited, my body lurching and heaving as I began to choke. The snake was expelled, but the dread, the horror and torment remained, intensified.

I was engulfed by an ocean of blackness and the last thing I was aware of was the pain; it consumed me.

If this was death, I welcomed it.

"Tick, tock, tick tock"... not a clock, a voice. A woman's voice.

My eyes snapped open.

A room. A dirty box, eight by eight if that.

Dusty boxes with strange script on the sides of each one. The same phrase over and over, but not one I could read.

Pictures. Guns.

"Tick tock, tick tock"... I tried to scream before the darkness returned.

So I'm not dead... and I'm not blind.

Hope surged through me for the first time.

My thoughts raced as I recalled my last awakening.

How long were these periods of unconsciousness? Was I sleeping or was I being drugged. What the hell was going on? Where was I? Who was I?

I certainly seemed more lucid now and strained to remember.

I opened my eyes - just a slit - just enough to see the boxes, the dirty walls, a shadow.

I could hear crying. A baby's wail. Not hungry or demanding, but resigned, desperate, as though even the infant knew there was no hope - yet still dared to try.

My niece, my sister's daughter, came to mind. Her face was contorted, her mouth an angry, empty 'o', her eyes screwed up and her skin puce as she bellowed her furious demands to whoever would listen. That was the face of a baby whose mother would come running. That noise had purpose.

I haven't seen my sister in a long time, her daughter never, I wonder why?

Silent tears streamed down my face uncontrollably. I couldn't escape the sadness - was drowning in it.

The ache pervaded every part of me.

My head was the worst. It was as though bombs were exploding, shrapnel lodging itself deep in my brain, a hammer banging it home.

Grenades were exploding, and then the world went quiet - an unearthly stillness that was somehow worse - before the screaming began.

Voices.

Shouting.

Running.

The room is now devoid of boxes.

No shadow.

But no panic either, just that lazy river of thought - an apple tree, a pretty girl - older than me - is it my mother? A picnic. Sleep.

The eyes that I wake to are cold; beautiful, but cold. They just stare at me without emotion.

She turns and walks away.

A person. The first I have seen in... I don't know how long. How long have I been here? Was hers the face of the shadow? Why does she not speak?

I rubbed my eye and winced.

I rubbed my eye!

I raised a hand slowly. Blood, dirt, I could not tell the colour of my skin.

Tentatively, I moved the rest: my legs, shoulders, head, arms... my arm. I couldn't move my left arm!

I turned my head and screamed.

A bandaged stump emerged from the standard army commission sleeve, bloodied and dirty.

Fury flooded through my veins and I riled against the ropes, the restraints, despite the agony brought on by the sudden movement.

It was every soldiers nightmare, to be taken hostage, tortured. Being killed was not the worst thing that could happen to you. Was I a soldier?

A child and a man. Walking through woodland.

Stalking.

"Shh!" The man crept ahead and I watched, watched in awe as he raised his gun noislessly and pulled the trigger.

The deer dropped and writhed in agony - it was not a clean kill.

A few years earlier, I would have been horrified - disgusted by this pointless and inhumane action.

My father slapped me on the back as we high-fived, grins as wide as our faces.

"Your turn kid. Kill or be killed.'

I took my turn.

Over and over I took my turn.

Kill or be killed.

"Tick tock, tick tock."

This time I didn't open my eyes.

I was upright, my chin lolling on my chest. My brain was racing. Think! Think!

The breath left my body as a fist of iron met my abdomen.

I jerked backwards, gasping but alert. Eyes now wide to take in the scene.

I was on a chair, still bound and gagged.

A man looked on with hooded eyes that did nothing to hide his anger, his hatred.

"Are you feeling better?"

I turned my head towards the voice. Her face was covered, but... those eyes!

"I was!"

She spoke in broken English, quietly and calmly.

"They left you for dead, your comrades.

We have been tending you for two weeks. You almost didn't make it, which would have been a shame."

I was filled with gratitude - and with the image of a woman and child.

"The baby?"

"Is fine," She replied. "No thanks to you."

My blood ran cold as the scene unfolded in my memory for the first time.

A woman and child. A garden. A picnic.

The woman saw me and smiled as she reached into the picnic basket.

I lifted my rifle.

It was a clean shot.

I needed you recovered.

My father has lost a daughter, my niece her mother. I needed you to know that before..."

"Tick tock, tick tock."

My insides turned to liquid and I pleaded as she raised the gun. "Please!"

Tick tock, tick tock.